Heartbreak and Heartaches

Heartbreak sucks!

That feeling of your heart aching is something that can never be explained unless experienced by another. And even then, each person’s heart ache is different from the other so we never really understand the depth of the heart ache one is experiencing no matter how much we say “I understand“.

We all go through heart breaks and the heart aches that follow after that. For some reason, I have been particularly wondering today as to why that pain is so brutal. Something which cannot be seen, described in words or shown in the form of xrays. Maybe if it could be, it would feel much better as there would at least be substantial evidence for it.

Having dealt with heart breaks multiple times and felt my heart ache each time, I can tell you one thing, it never gets “easier” with experience because like I said, each heart ache is different with each experience. You can never just “get used to heart aches” because it breaks you into a thousand pieces each time and you never fully recover from it. Deep down your heart and soul you still remember that feeling, and everytime you remember it, your heart aches again, only difference being that the impact is much lesser due to the time that has passed. Yeah, time is a funny thing and is really the only true medication to be able to move on.

Why does heart ache hurt so much? I mean at that moment we feel absolutely hopeless and as though we can never overcome it. It all seems impossible and like it is the end of our happiness and yet somehow we do get over it with time even though not fully, but it’s still better than feeling like a person whose soul was taken away. I truly wish we could forget a person when they decide that they no more want us and avoid the whole heart ache situation, or be able to reset our heart when a loved one decides to go away. Unfortunately, that’s not possible. Personally, I would rather have my memories of that person erased than suffering through that pain, which is worse.

The sinking feeling of my heart each time a person who I love hurts it, those sleepless nights, the lack of energy towards self care, faking it to your loved ones, the guilt of giving the other person the authority to hurt you, the regret of giving too much too soon, or need to punish oneself by never falling in love again so as to never go through it again, sucks.

Heart break sucks, heart ache is worse! But time is a pill that will help the pain reduce, if not take it away completely atleast until we get used to the feeling of numbness.

Yours MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Am I Making A Mistake?

The biggest dilemma of one’s life,

“Am I making a mistake?”

Every time we want to take a decision

We want it all done in precision.

But why?

Aren’t we allowed to make mistakes?

We can’t have it all,

We can’t always be right.

We are only humans after all.

 

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Love Phobia

Let me try putting my feelings into words as precisely as possible. I doubt I will be able to put it all out there, but I can definitely try, right?

Has it ever happened to you that you really like a person, and by like I don’t mean in the friendly manner. I mean the kind of like where you have butterflies in your stomach, you wait for them to text you, and constantly excited when it has to do anything that is revolved around them. I am sure you get the point now. So, moving forward, there is this person you really like and you are quite certain that at this very moment they don’t like you as much as you do, but you wait for them constantly being available for them, indirectly flirting and hoping that one day that person will like you back. You dream about how amazing your life would be if you two were together, and constantly making up scenarios, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Then, there comes one random day or night, where out of the blue this person that you are almost in love with slowly starts feeling the same about you. You began to realize this and you are slowly getting more hopeful and still pretending like you don’t like this person in the way that you do until one day, that person confesses their feelings to you and OH MY GOD you are on cloud nine! You are so happy that you don’t know what to do with so much happiness. Actually, at first you are numb, still and wondering if this actually happened, if this could be real, if your made up scenarios were actually going to be reality. You are finally happy now and now you two talk even more each day and it’s just that you two aren’t officially together yet but you two always drunk call each other, text other regarding any stupid small news and everything else.

Well, one person has commitment issues and the other person is also hanging somewhere around that same tree. So, they are pretty much the same, right? Both of them discussed and decided that relationships aren’t for them and are definitely not ready for a commitment. It was clear and going all fine until one person starts discussing about reality, about actually being with each other and how one person is going to be consoling the other person, staying with each other, and all of the real things. Suddenly, it hits the person who was crazy about the other person in the beginning that “oh shit, its all going to be real now! What do I do!?”.

This is the breaking point for her. This is when she retracts from the person. This is the very moment, when she starts to realize that they could become real, that they could be partly responsible for each other’s happiness or any other emotions, and this is something she is incapable of doing. She fears this, she fears the part where she could have someone always for her and she wonders if she could be there for that person the same way, if she could not hurt him and if she could just love him wholly and solely. The answer to all the questions above is “Not sure” and for her not sure means no. No, she can’t always be there for the other person. No, she is certain that she will end up hurting the other person in one or the other way unintentionally or worse, intentionally. And, she will feel guilty for letting a person get close to her and to have hurt that person and she will continue to feel guilty about it for as long as she can remember. This is the reason she pushes away any person who tries to get closer to her than she expected. But don’t get her wrong, she wants to be very close to the other person and that’s what all her made up scenarios in her head were about but in the end that was just “made up” for her and didn’t belong into her reality although she really wanted and prayed for it to.

When someone gets close to her she feels suffocated and she does anything she can to slowly end up pushing that person away. She does this with every person she has had feelings for. She gets hurt in this process and also after it is done but she feels this damage is better than her ending up hurting the other person. She doesn’t know how she would hurt the person, but she is certain she definitely would in one or the other way and she is not ready to risk it. And, slowly this pushing away leads her to losing feelings and to feel so detached that she wonders if she was ever attached.

She is me. I am the person who is unable to cope up with processing feelings, attachment and commitment. I am the messed up person who wants someone to get so close to her but once they do, she retaliates and goes so far away that it’s all over. One day, I hope to find someone who could understand this and still stay until I finally fix it and do everything to make us work. I don’t know what this is called, but I call it “love phobia” because I am scared of the real thing, the real part of a relationship which doesn’t just end with butterflies in the stomach or drunk calling. I am scared of being real, to feel real and accepting real feelings. I just wish I could be the way that my drunk version is- fearless, real and full of love and passion.

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

New Beginnings

It’s a new phase,

It’s a new place

Will I be able to stay?

There’s so much fear,

And no one is near

I wonder how I’ve reached till here.

Everything feels so hazy,

But what is life,

If it doesn’t feel so crazy?

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Be Yourself To Be Happy

Hello everyone, how are you? It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I was busy with my final semester ( which includes projects, exams, submissions, presentations) which I’m just done with, phew!

“Change is constant” yes, it is, but that change should be the driver towards our happiness and growth as a better person. How many times in a relationship have you felt that your partner is trying to change you into someone else? How many times have you felt that the other person tells you “I love you for who you are and accept you just the way you are” but still keep asking you to change because you disappointed them?

These are just some of the instances where we generally tend to feel that we are not good enough the way we are! It is human behavior to have expectations from another person, specially from the ones who are close to you but the other person’s expectations should not be the cause for losing your own identity. My boyfriend always tells me that he loves me for the way I am and never wants me to change yet when I do certain things my way, he gets upset or disapproves of it. It could be the most simplest and smallest things to begin with which slowly becomes a habit for the other person to keep changing you bit by bit until one day you you look at yourself in the mirror and realise “oh my god who is this person? This is not me. I had an identity and an independent life as well. I had my own way to life and love. What has happened to me!“.

Generally in a relationship to keep that other person happy we make small changes within us. That’s okay, after all a relationship is about both of you being happy with each other while making small adjustments to be with each other. But what I’m trying to say is that this change shouldn’t be only from one side or it shouldn’t be something that shakes your fundamentals of who you are as a being. Sometimes small continuous changes that you accept to bring within you just because someone else asked you to do so, acts as a slow poison and kills the real you. You can pretend to be happy for the other person and the outside world but anything unreal will come to an end someday. When you agree that you are not good enough and accept to change yourself, that gives other people the power over controlling you and they start assuming that this is who you are. But one day when you are tired of changing and frustrated of the new person you pretended to enjoy being, you will start taking this frustration out in different ways on your partner or anyone else for that matter. This sudden reaction makes them confused and wonder as to what happened and they again blame you that you are being “weird” and you’re stuck in the trap of change all over again.
Remember one thing, to be happy in life in the long run you need to hold yourself up. If you are not happy with yourself, you give the chance for others to pick out your flaws who use them to make you feel “not good enough”. Don’t every feel shallow about yourself. If someone compliments you on your hair, say thank you rather than “ugh I hate my hair it’s so bad”. Being positive around others and showing them that you are happy the way you are, makes you positive and builds a protective shield around you that protects you from losing your identity slowly.

You need to keep your fundamentals and base of who you are as an individual strong enough to withstand any other person’s wind to change you!

I’m not saying that you should never change yourself, you should. In order to grow in life, change is necessary but that change within you should happen because of you or because you think that you need to change to become a better person in life. You shouldn’t change yourself because you feel that your friends won’t like it if you stay the way you are or because your partner thinks that your behavior is too “immature”. If your partner thinks that you don’t love them just because the way you express your feelings is different from them, then they clearly don’t understand you. We need to understand and make others understand that each one in this world is different. Even twins have different characters! Because whether or not you’ve done anything else unique in life, you being yourself is the most unique thing you’d ever see! Be happy to be you. Be yourself to be happy 🙂

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Do I Belong Here?

Hello buddies! How have you all been doing?

About my life, I’ve got a job in a renowned company and right now I’m working here as an intern. Sounds great right!? But I wish I’d feel that great too.

You know that feeling when you’ve been waiting for certain things to happen in your life so desperately and when that actually happens you don’t really know if you feel happy about it? More like, satisfied. I always wanted to get a good job so that my mom could now finally rest at home instead of working everyday. She was the happiest in this world when she found out that I got this job plus the internship. I was happy too. I jumped, screamed and danced with happiness when I got to know the results and I was waiting for my internship to start!

The day came too soon. I had butterflies in my stomach filled with nervousness, cluelessness and excitement all together. I knew about this company but I didn’t know what I would be doing here, I wasn’t sure if I would make good friends and I wasn’t sure if I’d a good team. Luckily, I made good friends here and also got to work but then I still wasn’t as happy I thought I’d be!

This isn’t normal. I was supposed to feel happy and satisfied with my present. But I wasn’t.

3 months passed by and I now I’m sure of the feeling that I’m having. Yes, I am not satisfied because I am not happy being here. I did not want to be a developer sitting at my desk all day at an IT firm. I wanted to become a model, an actress and a celebrity was my ultimate dream. It took me a while to figure this out but now that I did, I don’t know what to do about it. I cannot leave this job because I need money to support my family who are finally a little relaxed since I got my job.

I can’t tell my mother that I want to quit right now to get into a complete contrast field although my mom has always been completely supportive of my dreams and I’m sure that if I would tell her, she would still stand by me. But for once, I need to think of making her life easy too rather than being the selfish me!

I am so stuck between what I’m doing and what I want to do, between responsibilities and dreams. I can feel so out of place each day I go to work and watch people develop their codes while I struggle to understand a new task. It is easy for anyone to tell me to choose my passion over this job but it just “sounds” easy.

It isn’t that easy in the real life even though how I wish it was.

I hope someday I figure out what to do and make a decision before it’s too late for me to fight for my happiness in the longer run. I know my mother will always support me but I want to be a good daughter, for once. I hope life sorts this out with time and I finally do what satisfies me and my mother also. I am glad that I at least realized that I do not belong here. That’s some progress right there, right?

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Last Night Made Me Happy

Hello my fellow mates! How are you all?

Past one month I have been going through many emotional phases, more likely a “confusing phase”. I am not able to figure out relationship status, my work life just started, and everything around me is now all so different. No one knows the things that have been running on my mind since all this started. I just feel lost and sometimes there is no reason to it. But now I am not able to handle this whole confusion, so last night when my friend invited me to her place for a sleepover, I just went and didn’t think twice (I am usually the person who’d rather stay home).

Last night was what I needed. I think I need many such nights! It began with my office friend (Let’s call him Rohit) accompanying me to the apartment since he also lived there. We walked all the way to the apartments which is about 4kms and talked all the way mocking and irritating each other. I was just having fun and once we reached I found my friend and I went with her. We chilled, dressed up and then went out to grab some drinks and oh my god we got so high on alcohol! I was high, happy, wasn’t using my phone and just having fun with my friend (say, Rinku) talking to her about everything! After a while of talking and being high we decided to leave and came back to the apartments. On the way, we were having so much fun on the roads and it felt so free! I felt this way after so long! There was no one questioning me or judging me.

Later on, I decided to meet Rohit around 12 at night and we decided to go on a walk while he gets his cigarette. We walked so much and just kept talking all the way. Our perspectives about everything is so different so we end up debating all the time but even then it all felt so good, so peaceful. I was just walking with a guy at 12 AM and there was no one telling anything to me. I hadn’t gotten my phone so I just cut the whole messaging/calls for a while because for a while I didn’t want anyone to talk to me. I was feeling so calm and happy after so long. This is one of the nights that I was really happy even though nothing special happened. I was just with my friends, chilling and talking to them but I still felt so relaxed and had no one questioning me about anything.

Sometimes, we all get so held up in our lives that we forget to live. We tend to keep others happy but forget our own happiness and peace of mind. It is very good to keep others in your life happy and make them satisfied but not to a point that you feel suffocated. Sometimes, we all need a break, we all need to get away from everyone, even the close ones just to be able to rejuvenate yourself. First, we should ensure that we are happy and in peace to be able to genuinely keep others happy. Try it out, you’ll feel better. Trust me!

Your MysteriousWoman, xoxo

Boyfriend vs. Crush

Hello fam! How have you all been? It’s been a long time 🙂

Its been 2 hours now and I haven’t yet figured out how to type this out because this isn’t just any other experience. This is a feeling, and feelings are hard to be written and like Blair Waldorf from Gossip girl said :

“Feelings never make sense. They get you all confused. Then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started”   – Blair Waldorf

Every time I see him, I get butterflies and I automatically seem to be happy and when I don’t see him around, I look for him and hope to some how meet him. I have these weird and cute imaginary scenarios in my mind about us. Firstly, let me make it clear that I am already in a relationship with someone since more than 3 years now but the feelings that I just tried to describe wasn’t for him. I know you must’ve already judged me by now and that is alright because maybe even I would do the same. But please do read the entire story before just judging by the book because right now I need suggestions and help regarding what to do. 

To simplify this story, let’s name my boyfriend Aryan and the other man as Kabir. I shall began talking about both of them one by one. 

Aryan and I fell in love about 3 years back and our story is sort off a fairy tale. He was my senior and when I was a fresher, he had ragged me and slowly we became friends and ended up falling for each other. One unexpected day, when I was on the stage for an event, he came up on the stage and asked me out in front of the entire college. That day our story began as a couple and today it has been more than 3 years. We have had our own good and bad days in the relationship. As a boyfriend, he is funny, sweet and very caring. I know he loves me and he does involve me in everything.. But off late, that magic has been missing and it has become like a routine, basically boring. I know it sounds so mean, but I don’t feel that butterflies when I see him nowadays and nor do I have any major physical attraction towards him if that makes sense.

Now talking about Kabir, he is a cute and funny man too. He is single and we are friends. I know it for a fact that he doesn’t like me in any way other than of a friend. We don’t even text instead whenever I try to make a conversation and text him, I get back one word replied and I HATE THAT. I know all this makes my decision so obvious that I should value my boyfriend’s love for me, respect that and stay with him but what to do about this feeling? Whenever Kabir is around, he gets my complete attention. He has never put any efforts in talking to me and obviously he wouldn’t because he has no such feelings towards me but I feel so good whenever I am talking to him and I always just try to impress him. Whenever my friend, Sakshi talks a lot to Kabir I feel jealous and just get pissed off even though I have no right over who he can be close to or not. In fact, nowadays I feel that, Kabir likes Sakshi ( btw, Sakshi is already dating too) and they generally talk a lot. I am pretty sure they are always texting and making plans because I had heard from a mutual friend that they all were planning for a weekend outing. I want him to text me, talk to me and just give me attention. I don’t want to date him maybe, but I want his attention and his affection. I want him to feel the same way that I do.

Probably this is just attraction and a phase but this phase isn’t getting over and it has been long now! I am not able to get through this phase normally. Whenever I am going to college, I end up looking for him. I have lowered my attention level towards Aryan a lot and I know it isn’t right! I don’t know what I want to do because when I am with Aryan, we do laugh and are just so comfortable with each other. I would also mention that we do fight very often these days but that’s a part of relationships, maybe.

On one side, Aryan loves me and thinks about a future with me. He has always been there for me and is my comfort man and knows me pretty well. I love him too, at least I think I do but off late, I haven’t really given him everything that he deserves which includes my time, and complete love. I know this is hurting him even though he tries not to bring it up. I am not able to help it either. While on the other side, there is Kabir who treats me just as any other friend and gives me no importance. He hasn’t tried to know me and nor does he care but I still feel this way for him. 

Now, my question is HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS AND WHAT SHOULD I DO? Please help me figure this out by just putting yourself in my shoes and please try not to  judge me 😀

 

 

Your MysteryWoman, xoxo :)

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

          Hello everyone! How are all of you ? ❤ I hope you are all doing well and are happy with your life. It’s just a random gloomy day today, and while sipping my hot coffee, I decided on writing this post. It’s such a stress buster, I swear! I mean the coffee, haha 😀

 As I mentioned that it is a random gloomy day, I think my brain along with my heart just decided in being on a “I am sad but I don’t know why” mood. It is very common,right? I mean c’mon, I am sure I am not the only one who gets such moods once in a while! We’ve all been there and I know how it feels as well. It’s just a phase of life, just like any other phase of our lives! Although being on these moods is very common, the duration probably varies from person to person which is why people tend to think of this phase to be “abnormal” or “weird“. 

    There are many times when I do feel like staying alone,away from human contact, that includes my best friends, boyfriend and also my family. It doesn’t mean that I am angry at them or that I am hiding anything from them. It basically just means that sometimes I need some time off from everyone because sometimes we all need our alone time, we all need our own time to be quiet and lost in our thoughts, or even just stare at the wall while just quietly sitting in our room. 

   Sometimes, everyone goes through that phase where you are just sad but you don’t know why and you don’t seem to find a reason as well. Maybe it’s just the weather, a tiring day, or it could be any random, senseless reason at all! There have been times when I have cried without knowing why!! But according to me , this is a good thing. While you cry, you are letting go of some sort of pain within yourself through tears and it is not stupid at all! Instead it’s relaxing! It’s a form of relaxing your mind and your heart because once you cry, don’t you feel a little calmed down? You’d be lying, if you say no! haha. 

          All I am trying to say is that, people need to understand that it is totally okay to not be okay at times! It is okay, and totally normal to not want to spend time with your friends, partner, or family at times! Sometimes, everything will not have a reason and cannot be explained and hence it seems weird to others. But hey, not everything in this universe is explainable, right? If anyone is quiet it doesn’t mean that they are depressed and also, if they speak a lot , it doesn’t conclude that they are really happy in their life. This is just what is taught to us, but we need to get out of such perceptions. Every mood, every phase, every behavior totally varies on each individual and it cannot be generalized. It would wrong to do so. Sometimes, just let others be alone. Sometimes, if you want to stay alone, you have all the rights to stay so and no one can make you feel weird about it. After all, it’s your life and you know best on how to keep yourself happy. So stay away from judgments, and just live your life however you want to! 🙂

   I hope this post helped you in some way and at least understood that “wanting to be alone at times” is not a weird thing and it is just a phase of life, actually more like, another type of mood, just like being happy, sad or angry! 

Your MysteryWoman, xoxo!